If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
