He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
