Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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