He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
