i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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