I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
