My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
