I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
