I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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