they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
