Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
