I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
