HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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