a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
