I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
