Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
