i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
