they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
