Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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