I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
