Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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