her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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