Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
