So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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