nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
