Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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