Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
