I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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