I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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