did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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