How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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