he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
