Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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