He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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