I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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