Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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