you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
