the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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