God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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