my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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