Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
