I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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