I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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