I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just tell him i said nine months
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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