I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
