Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
