he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
