gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
