I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
