I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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