Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
