I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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